10 do-able secrets of those who flourish

What helps you to flourish? A New Year is dawning and each year the 1st of January reminds us to aspire to be the best person we can be, and to consider how we might be of most help to those around us.

So this year – multiple choice! Based upon observation and reflection, here are 10 things people do who go beyond having “a good year”, go beyond “being OK” and who actually flourish, but first

     Thought for the day

To investigate is to contemplate with a silent mind. 

It is to illuminate that which is cloudy or confused

—to explore and to discover 

What we have not yet noticed or understood. 

This kind of deep inquiry provides us with the tools 

To free the mind from suffering 

And the pitfalls of an unexamined life.



                   Narayan Helen Liebenson

What do you aspire to for 2022?

Some people are naturally capable, but many work quite hard at making the most of their lives. What helps you to flourish? How relevant are the following things people do who are flourishing? 

1. Remaining curious and open; constantly seeking new ways to grow

It all begins with the mind. Maintaining an open, curious, enquiring mind means life will never be boring; it will always be interesting and you will continually make new discoveries and evolve.

2. Being gentle with yourself

It may be well and good to aspire to becoming a Saint, but in the interim we need to live with our strengths AND our weaknesses. Learning to accept our weaknesses and committing to work on them, while making the most of our strengths is a sure recipe for flourishing.  

3. Aspiring to being non-judgemental

It is so easy to recognize the faults of others. Some seem to value pointing out the faults of family, friends and colleagues, and maybe there is a time as a teacher where this is appropriate – particularly if the other person asks for direct feedback. However, in day to day life, it is so hard to appreciate someone else’s circumstances and being judgemental is highly fraught. 

4. Practising gratitude

Maybe the biggest secret of them all. 

The power of gratitude is immense. 

It empowers others when we acknowledge and thank them, it makes every cell in our own bodies sing when we get fully into it; truly one of the best things to do – and so easy... 

5. Exercising self-care through personal discipline 

Externally imposed discipline can be tough unless you have really bought into it. Self imposed discipline involves recognizing what is good for self – and doing it. Personal discipline is a personal kindness. If you waver, go back to what you value, consider how important it is to you and what it will take to accomplish it. From this comes the discipline to eat good food and meditate – plus all the other self-care tricks that work for you personally…

6. Seeking out good company

While our lives are enriched by variety, we are social animals and need to feel connected to kindred spirits. For example, being seriously committed to a healthy lifestyle may well make you different to some of your friends, family or colleagues. While we can manage a fair amount of this, it is important to avoid being overwhelmed by opposing views and to seek support from the like-minded. Clubs, groups, communities – where does you support come from???

7. Living in accord with values and ethics 

While attempting to avoid sounding like a preacher, it is clear, happy people who flourish have a strong sense of direction and purpose and this direction is based upon personally sound values and ethics. Need a reality check? Do you go to work and need to park your ethics at the front door? Do any relationships cause you to cringe internally? Do you eat and drink in accord with your values and ethics? Can you recognize some food and drink is ethical and valuable not for its nutritional content necessarily, but purely because you can enjoy it and celebrate it occasionally and that is OK? New Year is definitely an excellent time to review our values and ethics and affirm our commitments.

8. Developing generosity

Holding onto stuff is inhibiting. It feeds the sense of there not being enough, depletes trust, and creates fear and worry. This in turn causes an internal tightness, depletes the immune system, inhibits healing. And it feels mean… 

Generosity is expansive. It creates hope and optimism, builds energy, strengthens the immune system and fosters healing. 

If being generous feels tough, start simply. Give away something you do not need or want; then build slowly. 

9. Maintaining a sense of humour

Let us face it; so much of life is a mystery, people are so curious, really weird stuff is happening all the time; may as well just burst out laughing. As an old friend used to say repeatedly: “Don’t sweat the small stuff. It is all small stuff.” And it may be a cliché, but laughter really is the best medicine; and one of the great things about the internet is it provides so many things to get us laughing!

10. Recognising who you are – with modest pride

As a human being, any human being, you are totally amazing. Totally amazing. No need to say any more except to encourage a gentle, reality based self-pride. You are totally amazing; might as well just accept it – and enjoy the fact! 

Happy New Year to all

May 2022 be a year of blessings, good health and joy, not too much drama – or melodrama; a year of meaning, purpose and flourishing!

The Contemplation for Christmas

Do you find Christmas to be a joyful time? Personally, I do as the day symbolises the birth of unconditional love. But for others – and no shame in this - it is a time of loneliness, anxiety, grief, even conflict as family groups do, or do not gather; as another year comes to a conclusion and the uncertainty of the coming year sets in.

However it is for you, contemplation can amplify the joy, while at the same time it can be hugely beneficial for stress management and for finding meaning. So this week we explore a simple contemplation on unconditional love and the joy of Christmas, but first

   Thought for the week

       Love is the only reality

       And it is not mere sentiment.

        Love is the ultimate truth 

         That lies at the heart of creation.

              Rabindranath Tagore

 

Contemplation on unconditional love

1. Take up your meditation posture.

2. Relax into that posture.

3. Remind yourself of your motivation – to invoke unconditional love and to be more loving.

4. Best close your eyes, and then imagine the person in life who has loved you most; the person from whom you came closest to feeling unconditionally loved. If you have trouble bringing a person to mind, maybe a pet; some have even used a favoured tree.

5. Imagine if you were back in the actual presence of the one from whom you felt this unconditional love – and go into the feeling of that as much as possible. If tears do flow, you are in the right territory. Be prepared to be moved by making this heartfelt connection.

6. Aim to feel the love all through your body; and then allow it to flow into your mind. It is like you lose yourself in the feeling. Let go into the feeling. Abandon yourself into the feeling. Unconditional Love.

7. Stay with the feeling. If you become distracted – as is likely – go back to the one who loved you the most and re-connect with the feeling. Repeat as needed.

8. When you feel ready, you might like to imagine someone you care for who you simply like or love, someone who may be going through an easy or a difficult time; someone with whom you would like to share this sense of unconditional love. Imagine this person as if they are in front of you and then direct the feeling of unconditional love from your heart to theirs. More than imagine, feel the love flowing into their heart and then flowing out through their entire body, filling them with the feeling of unconditional love.

9. If adventurous, you may like to repeat step 8 with someone you have difficulty with – someone you dislike, someone who has aggrieved you, someone who has deeply hurt you. If you do this, aim to let go of any expectations and simply repeat the exercise as best you can with the same sense as you would offer a gift to someone – a free offering.

10. Now let go of the sense of needing to do anything; let go of the exercise and simply rest in the feeling
of unconditional love. If it helps, go back to the feeling around the one who loved you most. Rest in the feeling.

11. When you are ready, give thanks for the exercise, maybe stretch a little, a deeper breath or 2 and the quietly move on with your day.

Happy Christmas and may 2022 be a year of good health and full fillment for you and all of those you love and care for…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Burnout, mindfulness and meditation. 7 best tips to prevent and transform burnout.

Would you know if you had burnout? Would you admit to it? Would you recognise burnout in someone else? And what to do about it? How to prevent it? How to get through it…

Burnout is commonly associated with exhaustion, lack of empathy and reduced performance. It has become a massive issue in the wake of the pandemic, so this week we examine this debilitating issue more closely, and offer some possible solutions, but first

    Thought for the day

         Profound peace,

           Natural simplicity,

              Uncompounded luminosity

    The Buddha’s first words after attaining enlightenment

Commonly burnout is associated with the workplace and 3 main symptoms 

1. Exhaustion: People affected feel drained and emotionally exhausted, unable to cope, tired and down, and do not have enough energy. Physical symptoms can include pain and stomach or bowel problems.

2. Lack of empathy: People start being cynical about their working conditions and their colleagues. At the same time, they may increasingly distance themselves emotionally, and start feeling numb about their work and lives.

3. Reduced performance: Burnout affects everyday tasks at work, at home or when caring for family members. People with burnout are very negative about their tasks, find it hard to concentrate, are listless and lack creativity.

But other conditions such as depression often include these symptoms, so how to be sure what the problem is? Well, that is not so easy. 

Firstly, recent research indicates people can experience burnout outside of a formal workplace. 

Also, those with burnout often report a common list of symptoms 

- stress or anxiety (anxiety is when stress becomes overwhelming), depression and low mood, irritability and anger, sleep disturbances, lack of motivation or passion, lack of concentration, memory loss or brain fog, withdrawal from others, physical symptoms such as aches, headaches, nausea, low libido and emotional fragility. 

Quite a list.

There are a number of self-assessment questionnaires, but generally a high score indicates the need to seek professional help. 

If the symptoms listed are an issue, going to a GP or mental health professional may well be necessary; clarification is important as different psychological conditions often require disorder-specific treatment strategies.

Amongst many other issues, the pandemic has disrupted many of our usual social supports. No surprise many are feeling stretched to their limits and beyond, and burnout is rife. The financial burden is incredible, with stress-related work absenteeism and presenteeism currently costing Australia nearly $15 billion per year!

So the intention here is to avoid adding more potential stress, but to acknowledge the size of what is a huge and debilitating issue, and to suggest some solutions purely from a meditator’s perspective.

WHAT TO DO?


If in danger of burnout, if you suspect burnout is a looming possibility, if you feel burnout is a real issue for yourself or someone you care about...

1. Regard the situation as a medical emergency

If you were bleeding badly, you would go to a GP or call an ambulance – immediately. Potential or actual burnout needs to be taken that seriously – by the individuals affected, their workplaces, colleagues, friends and families.

2. Make the effort to talk about it

A common issue that aggravates burnout is it can be hidden. Many who burnout are high achievers and perfectionists who tend to be pretty good at masking their issues. Admitting to a problem does not come easily, but the effort is essential in prevention and recovery. If it is someone else you are concerned about, be prepared to persist and raise the issue repeatedly until a reasonable conversation can be had around your concerns, the response of the other person, along with an exploration of possible courses of action.

3. Lighten the load

Here is some news that may disappoint. You may consider yourself to be indispensable. However, it is highly likely if you do take some time out, if you do say no occasionally, even often, the world will continue to spin. Disappointing, but true. Give someone else a chance to do what you do so well – they may well surprise you…

TAKE TIME OUT. 

SAY NO WHEREVER POSSIBLE. SAY NO WHERE IT DOES NOT SEEM POSSIBLE. 

SAY NO WITH ENTHUSIASM AND AIM TO DO SO FREE OF GUILT OR REMORSE. 

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!!!

4. Practice deep relaxation

The Progressive Muscle Relaxation exercise – as on our Allevi8 app – done lying down is highly recommended. 

If it does cause you to drop off to sleep, no worries. 

When you wake up, either repeat the exercise or go on with your day and come back to the PMR soon. 

Over time the weariness will wear off and you will relax and meditate with more awareness; in the interim, entering into sleep via deep relaxation will be highly restorative.

5. Ease up on the perfectionism

We are all perfectionists to a degree. Aim to scale it down a bit. Do some things that actually trains you to let go a little – like deliberately leaving clothes on the floor or delaying some cleaning for a reasonable while. 

6. Practise self-care – on the indulgent side

What does this mean for you? Massage? Movies? Eating out? Time in nature? Hot baths? Time with people you are close to? Time on your own?

This is not just self-indulgence; this is a therapeutic necessity to regain your balance. It will not hurt to overdo this a bit to begin with, then settle into a more balanced mix of work and time for self.

7. Ask for help

Now there is a radical idea. 

At home, ask the family or co-habitants to do more with the day-to-day tasks. 

At work, speak with the boss, explain the situation and ask for a review of workloads.

Can you seek help from cleaners or babysitters? 

Personally, with a diagnosed burnout, my feeling is such services should be available like a physio is for someone with a bad back, and as such should be available on Medicare. Now that would be progressive! 

Maybe best not to wait… but in the interim, realise it may well be money very well spent.

OVERALL


The need is to reduce the stress loads 

and to give time to relax and regenerate. 

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How long does it take to change a habit? – the myth, the facts and the best techniques

When was the last time you attempted to change a habit? My guess is for many of us coming out of lockdown the temptation will be there to make some changes…

So how long does it take? There is a popular myth that repeating a new habit daily for 21 days does the job, but where does that come from, and is it true? Spoiler alert – not really, but this week we find out for sure, but first

   Thought for the day

        Anyone who enjoys inner peace 

        Is no more broken by failure 

        Than he is inflated by success. 

        He is able to fully live his experiences 

        In the context of a vast and profound serenity, 

       Since he understands experiences are ephemeral 

       And that it is useless to cling to them.


                                Matthieu Ricard

For decades I have heard people – both professionals and others, say we could change anything by repeating the new pattern daily for 21 days. Having worked in intense settings for years where many people felt their actual lives depended upon changing lifestyle habits, it amazed me how quickly some people accomplished change, and how others never managed it at all. So the generic “21 days” never seemed quite right. 

In my own case, when diagnosed with advanced cancer I soon concluded eating a plant-based diet was essential to recovery. Literally overnight I transitioned from being a rabid carnivore to virtual vegan and never looked back; no regrets, no longings, no relapses. 

On the other hand, I have worked with people who laboured away for months until they finally shook off an old pattern and became securely established in the new.

So what about this 21 day myth? 

Where did that come from? 

Seems like Maxwell Maltz was the instigator. 

Actually, Dr Maltz is something of a hero having written the fabulously informative Psycho-Cybernetics way back in 1960 (most of the best self-help books are the early ones!) – a must read for anyone interested in how the active mind works and how to use it to best effect. 

Maxwell was a cosmetic surgeon who progressed to become a psychologist :) 

He observed his patients and noticed it generally took about 3 weeks to adjust to new things like cosmetic surgery or moving into a new house. 

So based on his clinical experience of people getting used to new things rather than deliberately choosing to break a habit, the “21 day myth” somehow came into being. 

What then does the research say? 

One might imagine a lot of effort has been put into investigating this matter as it seems so crucial to personal development, healing, recovery and a good life in general. Yet curiously, there is not much solid research and the few articles are from years back…

A 2012 study found 10 weeks, or around 2.5 months to be the average for most people.  

Gardner B, Lally P, Wardle J. Making health habitual: the psychology of 'habit-formation' and general practice. Br J Gen Pract. 2012;62(605):664-666. 

A 2009 study probed more deeply and found a wide range was required to establish the change - from 18 to 254 days, with 66 days being the average. This seems to match my own clinical experience; it is variable and for some can take a long time. 

Lally P et al. How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology Eur. J. Soc. Psychol. 40, 998–1009 (2010)

The actual time will be affected by our motivation, how long we have had the old habit, how strongly we are attached to the old habit, the advantages and disadvantages of both the old and new habit, and very importantly, what opposition or support we garner from those around us.

Happily, this 2009 research did demonstrate missing one opportunity to perform the new behaviour did not materially affect the habit formation process, and consistent repetition does eventually get you there.

HOW TO CHANGE A HABIT

A. From my own experience…

Read and apply the steps set out in The Mind that Changes Everything

B. From the 2012 study :

1. Decide on a goal you would like to achieve for your health.

2. Choose a simple action that will get you towards your goal which you can do on a daily basis.

3. Plan when and where you will do your chosen action. Be consistent: choose a time and place you encounter every day of the week.

4. Every time you encounter that time and place, do the action.

5. It will get easier with time, and within 10 weeks you should find you are doing it automatically without even having to think about it.

6. Congratulations, you have made a healthy habit!

It may be helpful to write out a plan – the first step towards commitment...

My goal (e.g. ‘to eat more fruit and vegetables’) _________________________________________________

My plan (e.g. ‘after I have lunch at home I will have a piece of fruit’)

(When and where) ___________________________ I will ___________________________

Some people find it helpful to keep a record while they are forming a new habit. This daily tick-sheet can be used until your new habit becomes automatic. You can rate how automatic it feels at the end of each week, to watch it getting easier.

Happy days…

Coming out of lockdown – 6 tips from a spiritual perspective

Six lockdowns, a world record 263 days; who in Melbourne is not ready for our latest and hopefully last lockdown to end this Friday? But I hear of widespread apprehension as people everywhere emerge from their own lockdowns and engage with a post-pandemic society. 

So this week, a different perspective. 

Six tips from a spiritual viewpoint on how to make the most of this brave new world, but first

Thought for the day

To our human meaning and purpose. 

As history unfolded and civilizations and cultures developed 

So did different religions, 

Each one of them giving birth 

To unique insights and perceptions about this silent mystery. 

And common to all these Traditions 

Is the existence of a practice of silence 

That takes us beyond words, 

That takes us from the mind to the heart,

To the way of pure attention and the way of pure being, 

Meditation. 

Laurence Freeman - Benedictine monk

Lockdown seems to have worn many people down. Or is that most? The cost has been great – financial, emotional, mental; it may well have challenged many people’s spiritual views and values. 

Yet emerging into the post-pandemic world carries its own challenges - there is still plenty of virus around. 

Coming to grips with who is vaccinated and who is not and how that affects family, friends, business, sport, leisure and entertainment; not to mention gaining access to a vaccination certificate if your IT skills are limited! 

So much uncertainty about the future – even more than normal and heavily compounded by the over-arching environmental clouds.

So what will be helpful. What do the wisdom traditions have to offer in times like these? 

Spirituality is of course different to religiosity. Spirituality is to do with everyone’s inner journey. That process of turning our attention from the outer, material world of “doing”, to the inner realm of meaning, purpose, values and “being”.

Here then are 6 tips from a fresh perspective; the spiritual perspective – based upon what are called in Buddhism the 6 paramitas. Now again, to be clear, these suggestions do come from a particular tradition, but they come free of dogma and could be well described as the fruit of mind science; form when people study the mind and find whatever anyone from ant tradition could find, verify and use to good effect in their life.

Paramita translates as 'transcendent perfection'. The 6 paramitas are actions we are encouraged to develop and take into daily life in a non-egocentric or self-less manner. While they are key practices Buddhists train in on the path to enlightenment, transcendent also means more simply - transcending the ego-based self. For this reason, these techniques and principles can be used by anyone of any or now particular faith.

Here they are, the 6 paramitas with their Sanskrit translations, 

a simple descriptor and a brief guide…

As the great Tibetan teacher Chogyam Trungpa said 'Transcendental' does not refer to some external reality, but rather to the way in which we conduct our lives and perceive the world—either in an egocentric or a non-egocentric way. The six paramitas are concerned with the effort to step out of the egocentric mentality.”

So how does this translate into a post-pandemic world and the process of emerging and re-engaging?


1. Generosity (dāna) : to cultivate the attitude of generosity

Easy enough in theory, but the challenge? It starts with your self. Be generous with your self, then it is easier with others. Give yourself time and space. Recognise any fears you may have. Deliberate. Consider what you need amidst these challenging times; what will help you? Do it! Who supports you? Seek them out. How to protect yourself without becoming paranoid? How best to practice self care? Make a plan; be clear on where you will go and what you will do.

Then be generous towards others. Remember what we have all been through – tough times… People may not be at the best as they emerge. 

Giving your time to others, even more, giving your attention to others is a gift indeed. And sharing a meal works well too!

2. Discipline – sometimes described as morality (śīla) : refraining from harm

A bogey for some. But here is the point; real discipline is not imposed, it comes from personal kindness. Generosity quite naturally leads on to transcendent discipline. With generosity building, you become gentler with yourself, and in the process become more self-less. That is real Self care. 

And with that, it not only becomes easier to do those things that are good for you; you become increasingly averse to harming others. This sort of discipline develops consistency in avoiding harm and in generating good actions.

3. Patience (kṣānti) : the ability not to be perturbed by anything

Out of discipline comes stability; the powerful emotions like anger, greed and jealousy begin to diminish. There is less reactivity, a growing sense of self control that is increasingly effortless. While a sense of gentle personal inner strength begins to manifest, there is also a reduction in aggression and defensiveness; an open-ness that feels comfortable and fulfilling.

4. Diligence – sometimes described as vigor (vīrya) : to find joy in what is virtuous, positive or wholesome

Maybe the secret here is a growing sense of gratitude. As the previous 3 paramitas begin to take shape in one’s life, there is now an increasing sense of gratitude which coincides with a genuine joy in this very life. With joy, applying one’s self comes naturally; we find it increasingly attractive – and easy - to do what works and feels good in our lives. What a delight!

5. Meditative concentration (dhyāna) : not to be distracted

As life progresses, meditation becomes more compelling. Meditation is at the heart of the inner journey, the reliable pathway to real self-discovery. And yes meditation is more than just practicing formally. As we progress, it rapidly informs how we live; indeed, it becomes our way of living.

6. Wisdom (prajñā) : the perfect discrimination of all phenomena

As we meditate consistently, inevitably we come to know our selves better, and we come to know the truth of the world and people around about us. We move from the intellect to wisdom and this wisdom, knows what to do and when to do it. As we develop the 6 paramitas and they actually begin to blossom in our lives, this wisdom guides us with clarity and confidence. 

Now, we have spoken here of the 6 paramitas, 

but it is said many rivers flow into the one ocean. 

The ocean here is the ocean of wisdom, 

transcendental wisdom and many traditions lead into it. 

May a simple knowledge of these 6 paramitas be of some use in the ongoing journey as we emerge from lockdown and re-engage with our families, friends, colleagues, and our wider communities…

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